I remember walking in Target when I was 11, searching for size 14-16 in the girls section when I thought, "this must mean I'm almost ready to wear a size 1 in juniors." What a rite of passage. So I picked up a pair of size 1 jeans and went to the fitting room. To my genuine surprise, they didn't fit. In fact, they didn't even come up past my thighs. Suddenly the comments and jokes about my weight materialized. Until this point, my body image had lacked any stock in my self work. I don't know if it was the fact that I was at the cusp of adolescence, that something logically didn't make sense, or the raging pubertal hormones, but the image in the mirror no longer matched what I felt inside.
My body started to become something I begrudgingly inhabited and needed to fix. At 11 years old that's a heavy feeling and it played into my later years, as it does for many women. In middle school and high school I was involved in sports, I lost some weight and got in shape. But even then I lacked the quintessential sinewy, thin frame that is so sought after. In college & med school I maintained muscle mass and made efforts to stay active. In the background, however, there was always a hint of body hate. What I mean by that is that any big change or desire to lose weight always came from a negative place: I don't like/hate this or that so therefore I must change it. The notion of negative body image as motivation for change was so engrained that I never once stopped to appreciate my body for what it could do & was doing.
When we got our BFP (big fat positive) after months of trying, the excitement centered around a tiny human joining our team, creating a family. At the same time I couldn't help but wonder what changes my body would undergo and how I would feel and look. That was a transformational point for me; instead of seeing my body as a problem that needed maintenance and fixing, I finally realized that it was an incredible machine capable of literally magical things and it deserved love and respect. So with that I decided to strive for a fit pregnancy and I did a good job of working out consistently until about 32 weeks. At that point I was on busy rotations and, let's be honest, I was getting bigger by the day. So I stuck to walking and just appreciating my body (read: eating & relaxing).
At my 39 week OB visit, I had gained 23 pounds, and would stand to gain another 4 before welcoming Noah earthside. I had heard that you lose the baby's weight + 10lbs of fluid at delivery. So it was much to my surprise that I had only lost 10lbs at 2 days postpartum. I remember looking at the scale, looking at my sleeping newborn on the bed, and consciously deciding to silence those deeply engrained negative feelings. And, just like that, they were gone. To this day, they haven't come back. Because my body made, grew, gave birth to, comforts, and continues to nourish my tiny human. It is incredible. Stretch marks and all I can honestly say that I love my body, in all of its softer, jigglier glory.
So fast forward to last month when we arrived home from our trip to Lebanon. I felt like working out, so I put Noah in his jumper and pressed play on a fun workout. The second move was deadlifts and as I was coming up, BAM my back was on fire. I stayed at a 90° angle as I lowered myself onto the floor, meanwhile Noah was trying to figure out exactly what I was doing. My first thought was - okay, I definitely pulled something. Then I was just embarrassed and ashamed that I had neglected to move my body the way it needed to for so many months. I was caught in a very conflicting mindspace - I had been taking care of Noah almost exclusively for 9 months and even though I was tired every night from making sure he had an awesome day every day, but I also I knew some of it was at the expense of my own health. I love my baby so much, he is my first priority. Then I realized, I need to take care of myself to take care of him. Without physical and mental balance I can't give him everything he needs from me and I never want to look back and know I could have given more but somehow didn't. However, I also realized that this is about me, the person who seems to get lost while fulfilling the role of caregiver (and all the other roles I play, as I'm sure is the case all us mamas out there!). I needed to give myself some of myself especially as my roles are expanding and now include mother/wife/doctor.
Becoming a mother has opened my heart to a whole new level of self love, respect and plan old awe. I'm at a point where I know that my body & mind deserve time and love in order to continue to grow. For the first time in my life I want to help my body heal & get stronger because I love it - it literally transformed to bring life into this world. I am forever grateful.
Some simple things I've already changed is being mindful of what I eat and I hope to make more changes as I start residency. My goal is to be more plant-based and eat intuitively. I've also downloaded an app called Asana Rebel (not sponsored) which gives free yoga-inspired fitness routines. This has helped me work on my strength, balance, and my oh-so-neglected flexibility. I also had the wonderful opportunity to partner with Pranamat as a Pranamat Ambassador (follow them at @pranamat on insta!) and test out there Pranamat ECO mat which has become a tool for meditation & becoming more body aware - use my code MINDFULOFMED10 for 10% off your purchase!
Self love is a lifelong journey that is not linear. Be graceful with your self and give yourself a break often. That's what I'll be trying to do from here on out.
