My life has been a series of checklists, each completed in a deliberate and timely manner. Ever since I can remember, my goal was to become a physician. It was a calling and an autonomous way to help those who need care and healing. I also knew that it required hard work, dedication, and planning. In middle school I knew I had to find a high-performing high school to attend. In high school I knew I had to do well to get scholarships to afford university. Starting university was one of the biggest chapters of my life, as I'm sure it is for many. I picked my majors, I performed to the best of my abilities, and I was really proud of my performance overall. My years in university are also where I discovered who I was, and envisioned the person I ultimately want to become. I've never allowed myself to take things slow - I've been on a path where things need to get done so that a bigger, better thing can happen. Thankfully, this approached has worked for me so far. I've completed the checklists needed to get me into medical school, so now as second year comes to a close I think to myself, "now what?"

You don't get to medical school, or other professional / graduate programs without being at least a little competitive. Whether it's an outward competitiveness or competing silently with your self, that competitive nature lies somewhere and its influence is undeniable. It pushes you to do better than before, and be better than you think you're capable of. But to get you to push yourself and grow there must be a drive beyond self-fulfillment, and that drive is uncertainty. The future is always uncertain to some degree, and this is what pushes us, at least me, to work harder to at least attempt to secure the future I want. Up until this point in my academic career, worth has been determined by test scores and grades. It's something I'm comfortable with. In two months, however, I take the most important test of my life - USMLE Step 1. An exam of this caliber is something that I'm not familiar with. The implications of my score go beyond a few numbers on a page - it can determine what specialties of medicine I can comfortably apply to. Though there are students who manage to match into competitive specialties with low Step 1 scores, they are the exception and definitely not the rule. Residency applications are all about numbers, this is something our attendings, student development staff, and mentors remind us of often. It is unfortunate that the individual applicant isn't evaluated holistically, but it's a numbers game and there's only one way to play.

The start of medical school is a clean slate where every student has the potential of pursuing whatever specialty they wish. Some of my classmates came into med school knowing exactly what specialty they wanted to pursue, and for many of them their initial interests still hold true. I, however, have a few interests but I'm not certain about any of them. And it is this uncertainty that pushes me into unfamiliar territory, and isn't comfortable. Nevertheless I know I have to do my absolute best on the boards to give myself the best chance. My biggest worry right now is falling in love with a specialty that my score isn't "worthy" of. And therein lies a whole other realm of what it means to feel "good enough," but that's a whole other topic perhaps for another day.

I know that the best approach to the boards is to do my best and not make any excuses. There's no use in worrying now since my efforts should be focused on these last two months of studying. In the end, there's never regret in knowing that you did your best.

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